The Confessions of Lord Voldemort
by Master Wolf
Summary: Does Voldy have feelings? Can he get toilet facilities for his graveyard? Will his death eaters stop bothering him about his "crush" on Cornelius?
1. Default Chapter

November 6th  
Creepy Graveyard, behind a tomb stone.

Dear Journal,

Why do Death Eaters have to be so mean? If it weren't for Lucius bragging about how evil I was, I wouldn't have had to: Get killed, live in the back of a head for nine months, come out in a journal to get killed by the same guy again, finally have some gibbering moron who can turn into a rat become competent enough to get me a BABY'S body, finally find a maniacal servant to give me back my original body, fail in killing the boy who killed me twice, lose the prophecy in which I would have known how to kill the guy, blow my cover, and live in a creepy graveyard without toilet facilities! 

And what about the stupid nickname? "He who must not be named"... Come on! The better thing would be: "He Who Was Thought To Be Really Evil But Was In Fact A Nice Guy And Became Minister Of Magic Because He Was Really Charismatic".

Anyways, live isn't the American Dream, if you know what I mean. Whoops! It's time for my Death Eater meeting. Better go early so the don't discover this journal.

Tom

November 7th  
Creepy Graveyard  
Behind a large tombstone

Dear Journal,

What a crazy Death Eater meeting there was last night. Some guy actually suggested I posess the Minister of Magic and control the country!

Yeah, right. Everyone knows JK said there would be a new Minister next year. And, I mean, posess a fat guy? Hel-lo! I don't want to be fat!

And Lucius, of course, suggested blowing London up. Hello? Can anyone spell "Bad Plan"?

But finally Wormtail(for once) got a good idea. Kill the boy's aunt! So I'm gonna send Bella and Lucius and him to go get her. Hee Hee...

Tom

November 9th  
Creepy Graveyard  
in the crematorium

It was a disaster, beacause they were GONE FISHING. What kind of family goes FISHING in the summer?

So it's back to the drawing board. I don't know what is gonna happen next.

Oh no! A noise! Stupid dead people. always getting burnt. Don't they know you have to make them mindless zombies? No. They want to be burnt, buried, cyrogenically frozen...

Tom

November 12th  
Under the Knight bus in London

Dear Journal,

I've got it! I'll go to Hogwarts, then conjure up a... bison with rabies, yeah, that's it. And I'll make it fight a... a mongoose with wings! Yes! Then I'll go into the school while Albus is distracted and kill the boy! Then I'll make him my mindless slave. And I'll take that girl Hermione with me. She's hot. Maybe I can make her my servant. Hee Hee.

November 13th  
Forbidden Forest  
Hogwarts

Dear Journal,

It didn't work. The bison went straight for a giant cabbage and ate it, while the mongoose just flew away until it was shot down by a muggle. Now it's all over the news, and the Ministry is everywhere trying to cover it up. Ha!

In other news, Wormtail got trampled by a mad cow. Good riddance. I transfigured the cow into a glass of orange juice. Then I drank it.

Also, Lucius told me there was a hint Cornelius would come back. Now he's going to try and convince me to posess the fat guy.(shiver)

Maybe I should make up a curse to crucify people. Like... Crucificto! That would serve him right.

Ooh, looks like a unicorn is coming. I'm going to try and pet it.

Tom

November 30th  
Creepy graveyard again  
Death Eater meeting

VOLDY LO-OVES BELLA, VOLDY LO-OVE BELLA...

VOLDEMORT DOESNT WIPE

NOR DOES HE BRUSH HIS TEETH

VOLDY-POO STINKS

December 1st  
Creepy graveyard

Dear Journal,

The Death Eaters read my journal again. I crucified all of them with the new Unforgivable curse I told you about, the crucifictus cruse. They'll never bother me again.

I'm going to keep this under safer guard. So I'll have to stop writing a bit, because I need to find a way to crucify anyone who gets near this except me.  
I actually think that I should kill Lucius. That way I can actually become nice again. Yeah. I'll go do that now.


	2. The Further Confessions of Lord Voldemor...

December 25th  
Graveyard  
Toilet stall

Dear Journal,

Merry Christmas! And guess what? Bella got me a journal that crucifies anyone who comes near it! She is so sweet... Maybe we should marry sometime, now that Lucius is dead. Although I'm not sure, because Bella is still inclined on the "Kill all muggles" thing. Personally, I just want to go party at the local discotheque.Hey, that's a good idea! I'll go get some "studs" right now.

Tom

December 26th  
Appartment in London  
Bedroom

Dear Journal,

What a day it has been! As you know, when I went to the discotheque in my new disco studs, the called me "King of the Dance Floor". So now I'm known as "He Who Wanted To Be Supreme Overlord Of The Wizarding World But Since He's A Great Dancer He Is Now King And Supreme Overlord Of The Dance Floor"-- HWWTBSOOTWWBSHAGDHINKASOOTDF for short. It's quite a mouthful. But because of the money I won in a retro dance competition, I now have a flat! And a stylist, too. One of the best.I mean, they better be. Or else I crucify them.

Oh, there's the blood-curdling scream of someone being crucified. Maybe I really should change my doorbell spell; I know! A doorbell that transforms you into a cow made of orange jello!

Tom

Flat  
London

Dear Journal,

I met that kid again. You know, the one I was killed by? Well, I showed him who was boss. I changed him into a cow made of orange jello! But then, the hot girl whom I wanted to be my servant fixed him and turned me into a horned toad. I had to hop back to my flat because since I'm not the Dark Lord anymore, just the Lord of the Dance, I don't have much magic. And now I'm dictating to my quick-quotes quill, as Rita Skeeter, attractive blone, massages me -- HEY! STOP THAT!

Hogwarts

Dear Journal,

I am now a teacher at Hogwarts. It turns out JKR wanted another comical yet stupid professor who was an impostor, so since no one recognises me in my toad form, I became Dictomentanologimentry teacher. I teach Dictomentanogimentry to seventh year students. So I gave myself a name: Professor HHWTBTSOOTWWBUTSINCEHAGDHNKALOTDFBSJKRWATHNTD. You can guess what that stands for. So my students call me "Teach".

Tom

Empty Teacher's Lounge, Discotheque Form

Dear journal,

Did you know that at Hogwarts the Teacher's Lounge changes to a teacher's desire? It is amazing.

Hey, I have an idea. You know in the Chamber of Sick, Disgusting, Perverted things? The one Good ol' Salazar put in before the Chamber of Strip Clubs and the Chamber of Secrets? Well, I'm gonna go down there and unleash the horrible monster on all the muggle-borns. Especially the sexy one.

Tom

...

A note from the Author: As you can see, Voldemort, aka Professor HHWTBTSOOTWWBUTSINCEHAGDHNKALOTDFBSJKRWATHNTD, has not been able to complete his journal. As he entered the Chamber of Sick, Disgusting, Perverted things, he was horribly mauled by a level 85 ladybug-- the horrible monster of the chamber.

He is now known as He Who Wanted To Be The Supreme Overlord Of All Things In The Wizarding World, Be King Of The Dance Floor, And Professor At Hogwarts, But Got Mauled By A Horrible Ladybug And Is Now A Discolored Patch Of Grass.

Donations to the Foundation For Demented Evil Disco Maniacs Turned Into Horned Toads Then Killed By Ladybugs And Made Into Discolored Patches Of Grass can be made to the St. Mungo's Hospital in the name of Tom Marvolo Riddle(Or give the author your PIN number and Bank ID, that will be just as good).

Please help us stop ladybugs from killing demented evil disco maniacs turned into horned toads and making them discolored patches of grass. It happened to Hitler; it happened to Voldemort; don't let it happen to you.


End file.
